Who Are You?
by Xtase
Summary: Before Kishi trolls the shyte out of Naruto fans across the world over Tobi's true identity this week; let us take a final moment to indulge in our retarded theories about who he REALLY might be. Crack. Rated M for language.


I hereby declare that I claim no rights to **NARUTO © 1999 by Kishimoto Masashi/SHUEISHA Inc. **and receive no monetary benefit for any narrative I publish hereafter based on this manga or any of its other media adaptations.

Warnings are in place for crude humour!

-Xtase

_Okay, I am currently shitting myself waiting for the new chapter to come out. I really don't want Tobi to be Obito, but as a precaution I have worn all black today (yes, I really have) in mourning of Kishi's descent into TROLLdom. I'm writing this in a hurry before Ch. 599 is released; and if I'm too late, well too fuckin' bad!_

The ravaged battleground shakes and collapses beneath the colossal feet of Madara's Complete Susano'o.

"Can't you get this thing to move any faster?" Tsunade roars.

"Shut it, Senju Bitch! You want me to drop you off right here? Do you?" Madara snaps in irritation. Just because they've called a temporary truce doesn't mean he still won't smite her like a puny insect if he so pleases.

"Tsunade, don't distract him," A says, "the better he focuses, the sooner we'll get there,"

Tsunade and Madara both grit their teeth but manage to hold their tongues. Now is not the time for petty bickering. They _must _find the Jinchūriki and the Masked Man as soon as possible so they wouldn't miss the big reveal.

How do they know? Same way you know, dummy.

So off the 5 Kage (yes, even Ōnoki, for even the power of Mokuton cannot restrain _this _sort of curiosity) and Madara go, riding on the shoulders of the Uchiha's guardian diety. Towards TROLLdom!

.

Even the filler characters have gotten wind of this:

"But, we don't exist!" Sora says

"Who the fuck cares! We wanna see that dude's real face as bad as the canoners do," says Aniki, "Let's go, Moya brothers!"

"Aniki, you're so cool!" call his bumbling comrades in unison.

And so they set off.

.

And within the depths of the Shinigami's belly; the four Hokage and Orochimaru's arms try their best to fight their way out.

"Rasengan!" Shouts Minato.

"Shuriken Kage Bunshin no Justu!" Hiruzen is on the offense as well.

Hashirama pierces the Shinigami's stomach membrane with wooden stakes while Tobirama upsets its juices with his water-bombs.

The Shinigami becomes very sick. After a long and valiant struggle, it finally pukes them all out; before dying in a puddle of its own vomit.

"Whoo, that was some workout," Minato says in relief.

"Ugh...my hair," Hashirama is all covered in blood and guts. They all are.

"You survived all those years without a hairdresser; you can bear it for a little longer," Tobirama reprimends him sternly.

"Yes, you're right. We must hurry,"

"Yes, to the Masked bastard who ruined my precious baby's life!" Minato roars in a surprising show of passion.

And the 4 Hokage - with Orochimaru's arms - mobilise!

.

A certain snake-bastard's TROLL-senses start tingling.

"Sasuke-kun," Orochimaru rasps.

"What?"

"We'll have to take a detour on our way to meet _that person_,"

"Hmm?"

"Some deep shit is about to go down."

.

Now that the Shinigami has died, all the people ever born were all resurrected. Some...in better condition than others.

"Oh great, now I really am blind. The Blind Itachi FC are gonna cream their pants when they see this," Itachi curses his brother for taking his eyes. Now he won't be able to see the big reveal. He racks his brains and soon comes up with a brilliant idea.

"Oh, Kakuzuuuu..." he sing-songs, while Sasori laughs at the little pile of ashes the used to be Deidara with tears in his eyes.

.

So everyone in the Narutoverse is gathered around the battlefield watching avidly. And it's not only the Akatsuki; nearly extinct clans such as the Uzumaki and the Uchiha have also been resurrected. So some reunions are in order.

"Itachi!?"

"Kaasan?!"

"Niisan?!"

"Sasuke?!"

"Kaasan!"

And the three of them start crying their eyes out as they hug each other to bits. Fugaku unfortunately cannot join them as he is running away from all the other Uchiha.

"It's your fucking fault for not making sure your freaking son was loyal!" they screech.

.

"Wait, Niisan, you can see me,"

"So?"

"But I took your eyes,"

"So. I just took yours. They work just fine."

Madara springs up out of nowhere.

"You took your brother's eyes as well?' he inquires.

Itachi and Sasuke nod.

Madara presses a remote control, and the sky goes dim; a killer sound system with steroes fifty feet tall grow out of the ground; strobe lights flash and barmaids in kinky samurai outfits appear out of nowhere with good food and alcohol.

"Three words," Madara shouts to the masses, "Eternal Mangekyō Party!"

"Bitchin'!" everyone else replies.

.

And now...the moment we've all been waiting for since 2008.

Everyone watches with rapt attention as Naruto finally manages to Rasengan the Masked Creepo in the face.

"Who are you?!" he roars.

The crowd wildly tries to guess as the man's mask _finally_ crumbles away from his face.

"Teuchi!"

"Rikudō Sennin!"

"Tom Cruise!"

"Voldemort!"

"Sasuke from the future!"

"Please _god_, don't be Obito!" Kakashi sobs.

And his face is finally revealed...

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" everyone screams in shock.

"That's right," the newly revealed villain says evilly. "I'm really...Naruto from the future! Ahahahahahaaaa!"

"Noooooooo!" Jiraiya, Minato, Nagato are all weeping hysterically. The Child Of The Prophesy, the saviour of this world...has officially butt-fucked them all!

Naruto is laying crumpled on the ground and bawling like a baby.

"W-w-why did you kill our parents and do all those fucked up things?" he sobs hopelessly.

"Ah, my dear simpleton younger self. I see you are still in denial."

"Huh?" Naruto coughs wetly.

"I did it because I finally came out of the closet."

"Ehh?" everyone says in unison.

"I finally realized...that I was gay for Sasuke!"

The entire battlefield goes silent.

"Well yeah. I totally realized I would do anything for him so I decided to become totally evil and take over the world with him."

Naruto shakes his head in bewilderment.

"But...I love Sakura- ch - "

"Look kid, you ain't never _cried_ over her, _begged_ her to stay with you, trained until you passed out for her, _hyperventilated _over her, and a bunch of other acts of utter gayness that won't fit in this sentence. It ain't _her_ you're in love with."

Naruto's eyes go blank and empty.

"Wait...then where is Sasuke?" someone shouts from the crowd.

"Oh, that's him right there." the villain points at the man between Itachi and younger Sasuke.

Madara.

"No way,"

"It can't be..."

And the supposed "Madara" shrugs nonchalently before owning up, "Guilty as charged,"

"WHAT THE EFF?" everyone else shouts.

"He's still so hot!" Ino and Mei say in unison, swooning over the Uchiha.

"C'mon, the spiky hair, the arrogant attitude, the hating Konoha, that's Sasuke from the future." future Naruto says coversationally.

"BUT WHY DID BOTH OF YOU HAVE TO IMPERSONATE MADARA?"

"Well...impersonating him is fun. And Sasuke does it so well..." future Naruto says with blushes on his cheeks.

.

Motherfuck what Kishi says; _that_, in my opinion, is Tobi's true identity! FTW!

Love,

Xtase.

_**Update:**__** I know what Tobi's real identity is, I've read chapter 599, so don't bother telling me this in your comments, I'm getting a bit bored of that.**_


End file.
